No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
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If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA