Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.

[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…

The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.

God: you’re a roly poly bug.

Roly Poly: what does that mean?

God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.

Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?

God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].

Roly Poly:

God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey

Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?

I’ve watched this 17,467 times

British websites use biscuits.

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”

The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.