Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…

Fiction has to make sense.

In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”

I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

first wiseman: i brought you gold

second wiseman: i brought you frankincense

third wiseman: i brought you myrrh

fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself

mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down

Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!

*Giving TED talk*

Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!

*he does and a mousetrap snaps*

Me: trust no one

*audience claps*

Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now

Bear attacking me: [bear noises]

*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath*

*heads toward buffet*

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.

Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.

[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.

Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.