Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere

Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”

Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM

Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room

*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.

Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car

Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car

Cops: oh well that’s different

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.

For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”

Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus

Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit