Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?

Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.

If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot

Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer

“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:

5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)

I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao

Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?

Jesus: *In disguise* sure

JW: He’s lame

J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal

My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!

Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son

My son: say your line mummy!

Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE

Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting

Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?

There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”

I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born

teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.

Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords

Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice

Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter

before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

Me: I’m going to eat healthier.

My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.