No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
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I put the h in mysterious.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.