No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
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My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!