No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
You Might Also Like
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”