No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
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Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Lmao 😁
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.