No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
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*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
We were playing a board game. My husband and 7yo were on the same team. My 7yo as she put her arm around her dad, “dad, can you smell that? That’s the smell of victory.” It was so cute watching them lose together after I took them down.
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida