No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
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[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
figuring out my emotional availability:
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.