No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
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“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Ok who’s got my black socks?
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe