No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
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i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
My current wife says she doesn’t like my use of adjectives
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
This will never not be funny to me.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.