Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*

Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.

Bank account: *shakes head furiously*

Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*

According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it

God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”

The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.