No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
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forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Watermelon Boss!
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.