[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
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Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
dictator is short for richard potato
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.