ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
No one has seen you look worse than the gas station closest to your house.
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PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt ThE cAt
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Find a person who wants to do everything w you…
…and fix them up w someone else. You don’t need someone that exhausting in your life
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM