No one has seen you look worse than the gas station closest to your house.

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ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.


*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”


Find a person who wants to do everything w you…

…and fix them up w someone else. You don’t need someone that exhausting in your life


A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.


The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.


Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM


Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral


*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*

Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM