another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
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TEETH IS INNOCENT
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
I love the honesty
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Breaking news:
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered