@MizzusT

No one has stolen my identity yet and I’m starting to take it personally

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@iMikosnyc

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

@coryrichardson_

[catching up with an old friend]

me: [out of breath] how are you still so fast

@abbycohenwl

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

@drinksmcgee

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way that I was going to let her take half of my Golden Girls Memorabilia collection.

@Donnie_Fairburn

[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one

@Brianhopecomedy

Brought my 5 year old to the tax office to ensure that the accountant works as quickly as possible.

@sheann828

* deletes account

*reactivates

AND, ONE MORE THING…

@mrjohndarby

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

@paul_lander

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.