No one has stolen my identity yet and I’m starting to take it personally

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Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!


[catching up with an old friend]

me: [out of breath] how are you still so fast


Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over


I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way that I was going to let her take half of my Golden Girls Memorabilia collection.


[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one


Brought my 5 year old to the tax office to ensure that the accountant works as quickly as possible.


* deletes account




went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security


Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.


Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.