No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
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You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Remember story of man who phoned work to say he couldn’t get in as there was a Cat on top his car
Employer said
Well shift the bloody Cat & get to work
The Cat was one those CAT tractor type vehicles & atop his car
😂
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE