No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
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My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.