Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.

Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.

Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner

My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.

If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.

Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!

cop: know why I pulled you over?

fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick

Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.

[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.

When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die

My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*