Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

[in the park]

ME: aww look a baby

WIFE: is it on me?!

ME: um no it’s in a stroll-

WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME

[gets on Facebook]

[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]

[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]

(first day at law school)

Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?

Prof: We don’t.

Me: This is BULLSHIT.

*flips table*

*table floats up to ceiling*

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)

If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.

For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

*deletes my ex’s phone number*

k, weigh me now.

Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!

Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter

Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.

Roses are red

Pizza sauce is too

I ordered a large

And none of its for you

A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?

Me: Butternut Squash

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do

There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.

Okay, Feds.