No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
You Might Also Like
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this