No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
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told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.