No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
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When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…