No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
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Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!