No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
You Might Also Like
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
A friend helps you before you need it
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.