No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
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There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included