no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
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I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.