no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
You Might Also Like
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes