No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
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I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.