No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
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Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive