No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
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Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?