Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.

the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.

Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work

Cop2: Not a bit

Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in

Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD

[both get shot]

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

me: what’s your name?

alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue

me: is it jeff?

alien:

me:

alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no