no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
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Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.