No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
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I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
making sure he doesnt get away
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
