No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
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[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
shakira sharkira
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.