Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

lmaaaaaooooooooo

GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!

ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?

My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick

The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?

Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.

Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?

Me: No Sir it will be round