No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
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Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face