No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
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oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Am I having a stroke?
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in