No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
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Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
neighborhood watch
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.