No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
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In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.