Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

CW: what did you do to your hair today?

Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.

Me: How about bourbon?

Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”

Me: “That’s kind of the point.”

Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”

And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products

Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.

Her: What if there’s lightning?

Me: Then you get to be on top…

Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant

Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’