No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
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I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
who wants to go expliring
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…