Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people

[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.

Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.

Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong

me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?

I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top

I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.

Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario

Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%

Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%

[GOP Debate]

MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?

CRUZ: what?

MODERATOR: I knew it!

The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.

Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”

I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest