No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
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Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case