No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
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A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.
consequences, the bane of my existence
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
in 3 months
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Thank you corporation very cool
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.