No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
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Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class