No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
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microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
No.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
lol
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.