No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
You Might Also Like
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years