No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
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The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
He probably could have just called himself “Andre.” I think I would have figured out The Giant part on my own.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”