Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight

I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.

I’m making him my new nutritionist.

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall

King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra

As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”

Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!

Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.

They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.