No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
You Might Also Like
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Stop it! 😂
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.