Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky

When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.

I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.

me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over

box of plastic wrap:

I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

Me: What did you learn about at school?

10-year-old: States.

Me: What did you learn about them?

10: That there’s too many.

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:

While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”

*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]