No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
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My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
hmmm
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.