Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”

I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.

Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.

The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

Most Well-known Speeches:

1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln

2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King

3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

🔥🔥

From Facebook just now…

My really creepy/annoying neighbor asked me to borrow $20 for an emergency last week and now he’s been ducking me and it’s so awesome. Would have payed way more to get this guy to leave me alone

*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*

ATTENBOROUGH: What the-

WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID