No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
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All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Make me look younger
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Creepy-crawlies
Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit