No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
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Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
is nasa ok
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds