No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
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ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder