Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.

Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”

why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

20’s: need to look cool when I go out

30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out

40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out

50’s: I don’t need to go out

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.

In related news, I just broke up with my mom

Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.

Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]

You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?

If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.

me: good morning, Linda

Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice

They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?

I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.

Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!