Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.

Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy

Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.

Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.

This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?

If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.

why would tinder want me to say this