No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
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what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.