No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
You Might Also Like
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Natty or not?
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Honey I made you some hotdog water
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
This toddler just ran up to me in Target, crying for me to pick him up. I didn’t know what to do, so I did & he stopped crying, immediately. His mom then walks up to me & says, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry sir. But you look just like his daddy” 💀.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo