No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
You Might Also Like
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
beware of dog
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.