No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
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I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
The game has officially changed 😎