No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
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How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.