No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
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Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.