No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
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Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat