No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
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MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.