Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?

me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes:

Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.

I’ll get you a towel.

I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

It’s his time

Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.

What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

security at the airport getting more straightforward

who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function

I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.

if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.

[Our bedroom, morning]

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: *presses snooze*

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.