No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
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Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
