No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
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Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Finally, a door that understands me
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away