No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
You Might Also Like
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.
THIS HEADLINE
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.